-Ally, can we get a recap? -You remember the Kowolskis?
They've owned this shop 30 years and are attempting a record
by making Buffalo's largest cookie.
-And you have to wear this. -A hairnet?
Health Department.
If you're working around the cookie, you have to have it.
l just did the hair. The hair is perfect.
All right, give it to me.
God, why do you hate me?
We're rolling. And speed.
For three decades, the Kowolski Family Bakery
has been a mainstay in downtown Buffalo,
known for their sinfully sweet cream-filled Polski pierogies
and the occasional sugar-induced coma that follows.
But today in honor oftheir30th anniversary,
they've invited us to ride along as they go for the record
on Buffalo's biggest cookie.
Vol. Vol.
Do you need a tissue or something?
Can we get Vol a tissue? Or a spoon?
it’s a good thing we're wearing these
because l wouldn't want stray hairs to fall into the booger.
-Are we gonna do this again? -No, we can cut to B-roll.
Moving on!
So, tell me, Mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
Well, man from Health Department
say he find rat pellet in our pastry,
but l say no.
is big chocolate sprinkle.
But he shut store down.
So we clean up,
make big cookie for to bring customers back.
Well, I admire your candor.
Let's try that again, shall we?
So, tell me, Mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
So the children of the neighborhood will be happy?
That's right.
it must be wonderful seeing the smiles on their little faces.
l work in back. l see no smiles.
The previous Buffalo record was 8 feet, 7 inches,
baked by Gladys Pelznik.
If this cookie beats Gladys', it will prove
that the Kowolskis have much more free time.
And the cookie is 10 feet, 4 inches!
We have a new record!
Cue the cheesy inspirational music!
But what are we really looking at here?
is it just a big cookie?
Or does this cookie represent the pride of Buffalo?
its dedicated and hardworking citizens, the key ingredient,
with a few nuts thrown in,
and finally, the love of our families,
which provides the warm, chewy center,
making our beloved Buffalo the sweetest place to live.
And that's the way the cookie crumbles.
I’m Bruce Nolan, "Eyewitness News."
And cut it.
So, what do you think?
l think it's really good.
it sucks. it’s a story about a cookie.
The Pillsbury Doughboy will be riveted.
it was funny. There's nothing wrong with making people laugh.
I’ll never be an anchorman. Not with this.
The job's there, but l can't reach it
because every time they make me do this,
l have to act like a total goof to make it work.
l have no credibility.
Not good. Not good.
-Now you're just sounding silly. -Forget it.
it’s not important, right? Let's watch it one more time.
-Oh, no. -Just once more. Please.
No! You promised you would help me with this photo album.
You get your goofy butt over here!
Okay, all right, now you just go through this stack,
and you pick your favorites.
Oh, come on.
This is fun, right? isn’t this fun?
This is nice.
Evan's gonna get that anchor job. l know it.
He's the favorite.
Just forget it. Let's forget it.
This is just our life.
We can always just have some kid do it for us.
Whoa, hold the phone.
l like this one. Our weekend at the lake.
That's supposed to be in our private stash.
You look perky. it must have been cold.
I’ll put this on my computer and use it as wallpaper.
Give it to me! Come on!
No, no, no.
Fine. Do with it what you will.
l don't care.
l will do with it what l will.
You know, l might even send this into "Playboy."
I hear their layouts can be quite tasteful.
Give that to me! Right now!
- Ow, rough stuff. -I’m gonna hurt you!
Sweetie, time to get up.
Good dream.
No. No.
Well, the Buffalo Sabres lost again last night
at the hands of the Toronto Maple Leafs...
Of course they did. They're my team.
And that's the way the cookie crumbles.
There might be something to this cookie line.
All the greatest anchors have had their own sign-off.
Like Walter Cronkite.
And that's the way it was.
And that's the way the cookie crumbles.
And that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, l like it.
Oh, no. Grace, the dog!
I’m in the shower!
Sam. Bad dog.
inside bad. Outside good. inside bad. Outside good.
Oh, you're done now.
Great.
B-E-A-utiful.
Come on.
Let's go back inside and have a shit.
What is the dillio?
We are having a blood drive.
Creepy. Needles. Yuk.
Well, they need my blood.
l have a very rare blood type. I’m A.B. positive.
Really?
I’m I.B. positive.
I be positive they ain't touching me with no needle.
it’s just so...
Helpful and lifesaving.
No, it's your blood.
Blood's supposed to stay inside the body.
Besides, they stockpile this in a warehouse.
it’s frozen. They tell everybody there's a shortage.
That is not true. Where did you hear that?
From a reliable friend of a friend of a girl
whose sister's going out with someone in the government.
For your own protection, l cannot discuss it.
Get out before they see us together.
Oh, here. Hold on a second.
You need these more than l do.
What is "these"?
Prayer beads. The kids made 'em for me.
They will keep you safe.
l hope they're powerful.
I’m gonna need a frigging miracle to get to work on time.
Hey, let's go!
This isn't happening. Not now.
Not during Sweeps Week.
Not during Sweeps Week!
Oh, God.
Yep, yep, meeting started. Without me.
This is my luck.
This is my luck!
Come on, come on. Shit.
Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on!
Jesus.
Get out!
"Are you blind"?
No, but I’m late.
Is your child in dire jeopardy?
Find out tonight after the game.
Okay, promos are approved.
Jack.
Shouldn't we be focusing on Pete's retirement?
This is his last week.
Any word on the anchor position?
Evan, when l know something, you'll know something.
Sorry I’m late.
Traffic was...
-Did you already play the spots? -It's a nice story.
But we're gonna go with Evan's piece,
the sex scandal in the mayor's office, for Sweeps.
Oh, yeah.
Sweeps.
And that's the way the cookie crumbles.
I’m just messing with you, Bruce.
See, you just gotta remember
that the newsroom is like a big cookie.
-Do you like jazz, Evan? -Yeah.
Let me play something for you.
l can hold that note all day, buddy.
Knock it off, guys.
Bruce, we're gonna keep your story in reserve.
Now can we get back to the board
so we'll have something to put on the air today?
Great choice, Jack. This is the Cadillac of bolognas.
Okay, thanks.
Jack, can l talk to you for a second?
-Sure, what do you need? -Sweeps.
Jack, hear me out here. I’m starting to get desperate.
I’m pushing 40, and what have l got to show for it?
I’ve hit some kind of ceiling.
There's an anti-Bruce barrier l can't get past.
And Evan is loving it, by the way. Loving it.
He gets the stories. He gets on Sweeps.
Maybe l should be more like Evan.
You don't want to be like Evan. Evan's an asshole.
-l can be an asshole. -No, Bruce, you can't.
-You gonna pick that up? -Yeah, I’m sorry.
It’s just this anchor thing opening up has got me nuts.
-Hi, Susan. -Hi, Susan.
Hi, Jack.
Look, you're a good reporter. You make people laugh.
All right. I’ll tell you what.
Today is the 156th anniversary of the "Maid of the Mist."
l want you at Niagara Falls.
The "Maid of the Mist." That's always live.
But Evan always does the live feeds.
Now you and Evan get the live feeds.
I’m going live?
During Sweeps?
But watch your step. I’ve seen your outtakes.
You will not regret this.
And l won't forget you when l go national.
Can you...
Thanks, pal.
Can I have your wish now?
I’m gonna put it in the wish jar. Thank you.
Okay, put your wish in.
-Me too! -Put your wish in there.
Look at that! Looks like a big wish.
Oh, no, Martin, don't. Don't eat that.
Don't put that in your mouth. That's paste, honey.
That must have tasted awful.
Mommy!
Zoe-ba-bowie.
Did you have a good time with Aunt Gracie?
Yeah? See how nice this is. Baby on the hip.
Oh, it's amazing. You've become Mom.
The transformation is complete.
I’ll get it.
Small Wonders Day Care.
No, it's Debbie, the sister whose life you're not wasting.
Okay, okay.
-Hi, Debbie. -Whoops. Hi. Hi!
Sorry, Debbie forgot to take her meds today.
Where are ya?
Oh, a little place called the winner's circle.
I’m at the falls doing a live report.
Live? That's great!
Yeah! It’s happening.
l got Sweeps, and I’m live.
They're seeing if l can think on my feet.
Like l might do in a live anchor situation.
Oh, my gosh.
Yeah! This is what we've always talked about.
Jack practically came out and told me.
Practically?
Well, he didn't spell it out, but legally he can't.
This is what happened to Susan Ortega
before they bumped her up to the desk.
It's good. It’s good. It’s good.
Okay, well, honey,
l just don't want you to get too ahead of yourself.
l gotta go. They're calling me in.
Okay, good luck. l love you.
Love, love, love, love, love, love.
Let's do it.
They want you close to the falls.
Really? I’m gonna get soaked.
That's the point. They want you to put this on.
Part of the condition of us getting the exclusive.
You know what? Nothing can bother me today.
Nothing.
Okay, now, remember, it's their156-yearanniversary.
-149 capacity. -Right.
They cater to tourists, honeymooners...
And people who are insanely thirsty. l get it.
You are gonna be interviewing Irene Dansfield.
Pleasure to meet you. Truly.
You look beautiful.
Irene’s mother rode on the maiden voyage.
-90 seconds! -90 seconds. Holy hell.
Yeah. Okay.
90 seconds.
But because of the fast response,
the toxic chemicals were cleaned up without incident.
Bruce Nolan is standing by at Niagara Falls.
But before we go live to Bruce, we have an announcement.
As everyone knows, after33 years,
our beloved Pete Fineman is retiring.
Pete's shoes are virtually impossible to fill,
but the show must go on.
And we could think of no one better than our very own
Evan Baxter.
Oh, boy.
Congratulations.
Thanks. I’m thrilled and honored.
As you said, no one can replace the great Pete Fineman.
But l will do my best.
l have to say l am so proud to be a part
of our community of Buffalo.
And l think in a lot of ways,
a great city is like a great recipe, really.
You take hardworking citizens, add some caregivers,
maybe a few nuts.
All sprinkled with the love and support of our good families.
Ultimately, that makes one sweet place to live.
-That was amazing. -l meant it.
l wish I’d written something.
Now let's go live to that wacky Bruce Nolan at Niagara Falls.
Hey, wacky Bruce!
Talk, Bruce. Hello?
Talk, honey. Talk.
-We got a Walt Disney. -He's frozen.
He may not have audio. Check the feed.
We may be having technical difficulty.
-Feed's good, Jack. -Come on, come on.
Go on, talk, Bruce, damn it!
All right, get ready to pull the plug.
Oh, come on, baby, say something.
Bruce, talk.
-Hi, Susan. -Oh, thank you, God.
Bruce Nolan here aboard the "Maid of the Mist"
in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York.
First off,
let me just add congratulations to Evan Backstabber.
Pardon me. Bastard. Bax-ter, rather.
It is good to see what someone with talent can do
when great opportunities are given to them instead of me.
Anyway, I’m here with Katharine Hepburn's mom.
Why did you throw the "Heart of the Ocean" jewel
over the railing of the "Titanic"?
Did you feel bad letting Leo DiCaprio drown
while you were safe floating on the big door?
Could you have taken turns,
or were you just too afraid to freeze your big, fat ass off?
l guess that's how life is, isn't it?
Some people are drenched, freezing to death
on a stupid boat with a stupid hat
while others are in a comfy news studio,
sucking up the glory.
Oh, well. No big deal.
Oh, boy.
Oh! It’s the owner of the "Maid of the Mist."
Let's have a talk with him. Come on, Bill.
No, no, no. Let's have a talk.
Come on! What are you doing?
Bill, you've been running the "Maid of Mist" for23 years.
Why do you think l didn't get the job?
l don't want any problems.
Is it my hair? Are my teeth not white enough?
Or like the great falls,
is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me?
Eroding.
Eroding. Eroding. Eroding.
Cut the feed.
-Turn it black. -I’m on it.
I’m Bruce Nolan for "Eyewitness News."
Back to you, fuckers.
Oh, boy.
Oh, my God.
That is perfect.
That is the motivation that l needed!
Right there!
Thank you.
Thank you, W-K-B-W.
Wimpy Kiddie Baby Whiners!
That's what that stands for!
I’ll see you on Channel 5, where they do the real news.
Are we blind?
Do l look blind to you? Do l look blind to you?
Let's go, man. Come on, let's go.
What are you doing over there?
Come on, leave the poor guy alone!
You okay, man?
Yeah, you better keep walking.
What?
Run, man!
Run!
Oh, God!
Okay, okay, okay. l didn't mean it.
l was just kidding.
Hey, you forgot your things.
Say something now! Say something.
B-E-A...
...utiful.
That's what l get.
That's what l get for trying to help someone.
Oh, don't look at me, Walter.
Oh, no!
Well, that's my payment, l guess.
That is my reward.
Just?
Just get a clue!
Well, thank God you're all right.
God. Yeah, let's thank God, shall we?
For his blessings are raining down upon me.
Wait, that's not rain!
Please don't do that.
You know that everything happens for a reason.
That l don't need. That is a cliché.
That is not helpful.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
l have no bird, no bush!
God has taken my bird and my bush.
So God is picking on you? Is that what you're saying?
No! He's ignoring me completely.
He's too busy giving Evan everything he wants.
Oh, that's great.
You missed your target. I’m over here!
Don't get mad at the dog. It’s not the dog's fault.
No, it's God's fault.
l gave him the wrong coordinates.
Enough! Would you stop being such a martyr?
l am not being a martyr! I’m a victim.
God is a mean kid on a anthill with a magnifying glass,
and I’m the ant.
He could fix my life in five minutes,
but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.
l know you're mad. It’s understandable.
What Evan did is slimy and wrong.
But this day could have been so much worse.
I’m just glad you're okay.
Okay? News flash!
I’m not okay!
I’m not okay with a mediocre job, a mediocre apartment.
I’m not okay with a mediocre life!
So, is that what you think that we have?
A mediocre life?
Don't make this about you.
About me? How could l make this about me?
It’s about you! It’s always about you.
Perfect. Perfect.
I’ll have the worst day of my life
with a side order of guilt, please!
Okay, God.
You want me to talk to you?
Then talk back.
Tell me what's going on. What should l do?
Give me a signal.
l need your guidance, Lord.
Please, send me a sign!
Oh, what's this joker doing now?
Okay, all right, I’ll try it your way.
All right.
Lord, l need a miracle.
I’m desperate.
l need your help, Lord.
Please, reach into my life.
What the...
Where are ya?
l got ya!
Fine!
The gloves are off, pal!
Come on, let me see a little wrath.
Smite me, oh, mighty smiter!
You're the one who should be fired!
The only one around here not doing his job is you!
Answer me!
Sorry. Don't know ya.
Wouldn't call you if l did.
Oh, God.
Hello, 555-0123.
Oh, no!
Sam, this has gotta stop!
All right, get it straight.
That's the house. This is the bathroom.
House! Bathroom! Bathroom! House!
What's the point?
555-0123.
Denied that promotion at work? Is life unfair?
Is there someone less talented reaping all the benefits?
Is your name Bruce?
Then do we have the job for you!
We're located at 77256 23rd Street.
So come on down, or we’ll just keep beeping you.
Omni Presents.
Oh, yeah.
The glass is half-full.
Jeez!
Come on! Look! What is that?
Ah, jeez.
Thank you. Thank you again.
What the...
You're looking for Room 7.
Yeah, l figured.
You want me to even those up for you?
How do l get to Room 7?
That would be on the 7th floor. Stairs over there.
I’d rather take the elevator.
-Out of order. -l love the stairs, though.
They were my second choice.
Do you mind giving me a hand with this floor?
What? That's good.
Are you serious?
Oh, I’m kinda busy.
Rain check.
I’ll hold you to it.
I’m free on the 7th at 7 :00!
7th at 7 :00 it is.
This looks promising.
Hello?
Another hugantic, ginormic waste of my life.
Hello?
Yo, I’m looking for whoever runs this joint.
Be right with you. I’m trying to fix a light.
Tell me if it’s working.
Yeah. Seems to be. Kind of bright, though.
Yeah. It is for most people.
Spend their lives in the dark, trying to hide from me.
Oh, the elevator's broken, huh?
Yeah, but I’ll get around to it.
You install the clapper?
No, but catchy jingle, isn't it?
Clap on, clap off
Clap on, clap off, the clapper
Just can't get it out of my head, yeah.
Well, good luck with that.
I’m gonna go now.
Okay.
But the boss will be right out.
You must be Bruce.
I’ve been expecting you.
This is hilarious.
You're the boss, electrician, and janitor?
Must be a killer Christmas party.
Don't get drunk. One of you might need a ride home.
You always were funny, Bruce. Just like your father.
He didn't mind rolling up his sleeves, either.
People underestimate the benefit of manual labor.
There's freedom in it.
Some of the happiest people
go home smelling to high heaven at the end of the day.
All right, what is this?
How do you know my father, and how did you get my pager number?
l know quite a lot about you, Bruce.
Just about everything there is to know.
Everything you've ever said or done or thought about doing.
Right there in that file cabinet.
Wow, a whole drawer just for me.
Yeah.
Mind if l take a look?
It’s your life.
This ought to be good.
Now, this last entry was a little disturbing.
"The gloves are off, God.
God has taken my bird and my bush.
God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass.
Smite me, oh, mighty smiter."
Now, I’m not much for blaspheming,
but that last one made me laugh.
Are you spying on me?
Who are you?
-I’m the one. -Huh?
Creator of the heavens and Earth. Alpha and omega.
Oh, l see where this is going.
I’m God.
Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer?
Our survey says, "God."
Ding, ding, ding.
Well, it was nice to meet you, God.
Thank you for the Grand Canyon,
and good luck with the apocalypse.
Oh, and by the way, you suck!
You know what would have been more impressive?
If you hadn't used the cheesy file cabinet illusion.
Anybody with a brain stem can tell that that drawer
is being fed through the wall from the other side.
All you have to do is find the crease right around here.
There is a seam here.
Or a hollow spot.
Where?
Through the drywall and concrete?
Okay, that is a good one.
That is a good one!
How many fingers am l holding up?
Now, Bruce, thou shalt not tempt the Lord.
-If you can't, that's cool. -Three. Two.
Four. Nine.
Six. Eight. One.
Okay.
How many now?
Seven.
How?
You've been doing a lot of complaining about me.
-Quite frankly, I’m tired of it. -Don't come near me.
When I’m backed into a corner, I’m an animal.
l don't want to hurt you.
You haven't won a fight since Grade 5,
and that was against a girl.
Yeah, but she was huge. She'd been held back.
And the sun was in your eyes.
Oh, the ego.
Anyway, l brought you here to offer you a job.
Job? What job?
My job.
You think you can do it better, so here's your chance.
When you leave this building,
you will be endowed with all my powers.
Sure, whatever you say, pal.
Okay, that did not happen.
And no one needs to hear about it.
I’m deleting the program. Dee-dee-dip.
Nah. No.
I’m having a breakdown.
Normal psychotic episode caused by a tumor or brain lesion.
Come on, start!
That was lucky.
Come on, man. Calm down.
You did not meet God. You do not have his powers.
If that was God, then I’m Clint Eastwood.
Holy hell!
Be careful what you wish for, punk.
No!
Nope, nope.
l am a reasonable, sane human being.
with a .44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the...
I’m not Clint Eastwood. I’m Bruce Nolan.
I’m Bruce No...lan.
It’s not real. It’s not real.
-Coffee? -Yeah. Coffee, yeah.
We have a special on soup today.
No. That's fine. No, thank you.
It’s tomato. l made it myself.
Okay.
Excuse me. l need a spoo--
It’s okay. l found one.
Here's your soup.
Oh, soup. Right.
Yeah. Right.
Having fun?
Thy... Thou...
Come. Take a closer walk with me.
Let me explain the rules.
Rules?
Yeah, you left in such a rush
l didn't get a chance to explain.
Two extra fingers freaked me out a little bit.
l just figured I’d get your attention.
l did the same thing to Gandhi. He didn't eat for three weeks.
Anyway, here's the deal.
You have all my powers. Use them any way you choose.
There are only two rules.
You can't tell anybody you're God.
You don't want that kind of attention.
And you can't mess with free will.
Can l ask why?
Yes, you can!
That's the beauty of it!
This is amazing!
Ah, speaking of amazing. Excuse me.
Holy sh--
Cow.
Since you're through with these, I’ll keep them.
Might come in handy someday.
See you around, kid.
-Where are you going? -I’m taking a vacation.
God doesn't take vacations. Does he?
Do ye?
Did you ever hear of the Dark Ages?
Besides, I’m covered.
You can clear everything up in 5 minutes if you want to.
Right?
I’ve got the power
And he saw that it was good!
B-E-A-utiful.
Hey, check it out. Check it out.
Hey, check it out!
Oh, look. It’s the hero. What's up?
Yo, brethren, what up with thee?
Blessings on your alley.
Looking for another can of whoop ass?
You didn't get enough?
He wants some more!
Surely, l say unto you dudes, l do not wish to fight.
As soon as you apologize and make a full reckoning,
l shall absolve you and continue along the path of righteousness.
What are you talking about, man?
Man, you talk kind of funny.
I don't know if you lost it up in here, but check this out.
You want me and the homies to apologize, right?
Cool. I’ll tell you what.
We'll apologize the day a monkey comes out my butt.
How about that?
What a coincidence, because that's today.
Hey, did that monkey just come out your crack, man?
This is some voodoo shit, man!
Are you guys leaving?
Hey, don't forget your parting gifts.
Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey.
Time for you to go home, little buddy.
No!
l am Bruce Almighty!
My will be done!
What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us?
Just a stranger on a bus
Trying to make his way
Ho-o-o-me?
Oh, my God.
You can call me Bruce.
What happened to you? You seem so...
Happy.
Why shouldn't l be on a night like this?
Those are amazing.
What are these?
They're a new breed.
A cross-pollination between tulips and daisies.
I call them tudaisies.
Okay.
Honey, these flowers are really beautiful, but last night...
Last night l was only human.
Barry, help me out here.
Oh, baby.
Girl, I’ll do
Forever and ever
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I’ll see you through
Make love to you right now
That's all l want to do
'Cause l found what the world is searching for
For someone just like you
To make me feel the way you do
Never, never gonna give you up
I’m never, ever gonna stop
Not the way l feel about you
Girl, l just can't live without you
Honey, hi. Wow.
I’ve never seen the moon that big.
-Yeah. -Oh, baby.
We really shouldn't waste it.
Keep on
Keep on doing it
Bedroom?
Five minutes.
Let there be light.
I’ll be out in a minute.
Don't rush yourself.
Sometimes anticipation can heighten the pleasure.
It’s a funny thing about pleasure.
It can be quite pleasurable!
Pleasurable, pleasurable.
Oh, God!
Oh, good God!
Pleasurable, pleasur--
In international news,
Japanese relief workers are staging a desperate effort
to rescue hundreds of people stranded by a freak tidal wave
that hit Kitamoto City.
Scientists say the tsunami may have been caused
by what they're describing as unusual lunar activity.
More on this as it develops.
Please bless my mommy, my daddy,
and especially my little sister.
Please help me, Lord. Please get me through this one.
All I’m asking you is that you help me.
Thank you for everything else in my life. Amen.
Good boy.
Forget something?
Good boy!
There are girls in the house, huh?
Morning.
Good morning. l made you grilled cheese.
Ooh! My favy.
Honey, last night was just...
Heavenly. l know. l know.
l know.
l woke up this morning and l felt like my boobs were bigger.
Do they look bigger to you?
What? Your...
No.
-Bigger... -Oh, come on!
Look at them.
Please. They are definitely bigger.
l mean, look. They feel huge to me.
Listen, l have to go,
but this has been the breast beck--
Breast...
Thank you.
Where are you going?
To get my job back.
Yeah, yeah
l am great
Yeah, yeah
l am...
Good grief, is that what I’m driving?
Nice car, man.
Yeah. It gets me from "A" to "B."
Oh, darn.
All this horsepower and no room to gallop.
Heigh-ho, Silver, away!
Go, boy! Get him!
l wouldn't want to be a fugitive on the run with Hank,
Buffalo's number-one police dog, on the job.
This is Phil Sidleman from the Canine Training Center,
Channel 5 News.
Cut it.
Look what the cat coughed up.
Channel 7, right? You're the guy that went crazy.
l had a bad moment.
What are you doing here?
-Just looking for a story. -There's no story here.
This pond is all fished out.
Standard stuff anyway.
l don't know.
My instinct tells me there's more.
Go with that.
It served you well in the past, right?
Hank found something!
Hey, we got a body!
-Over here! -What is it?
Shit! Get the camera! Now!
It’s locked! The keys are inside!
l guess every dog has his day.
-Hey, you wanna make 10 bucks? -Sure.
You know how to use one of these?
Duh!
Seems to be in tune. Let's do this.
The body of Jimmy Hoffa was uncovered in a field today
outside of a canine training center in Buffalo, New York.
Bruce Nolan was the first on the scene.
Thank you, Jane.
As you can see, the body is being carefully exhumed
and will be transported to a facility
where DNA testing can confirm the identity,
that, however, merely a formality at this point,
as in a bizarre twist,
the body was buried with a birth certificate
and complete set of dental records.
I’d call that a red-letter day for any canine unit,
but was that enough for old Hank?
No, sirree.
Moments later, he busted a local news camera crew
with 220 pounds of marijuana.
l never saw it before!
l swear!
I’m Bruce Nolan,
and that's the way the cookie crumbles.
Yeah! Did you like that?
Oh, yes! Thank you.
-You're the man! -Thank you.
-Hi, Bruce. -Oh. Hi, Susan.
Good work. I’m impressed.
Jack, did you need me?
-Just the man l want to see. -Hey.
Hoffa. What are the odds of that?
-Bruce, why don't you sit down? -Okay.
I’m gonna be straight with you.
We want you back, Bruce, but l want you to understand
it was not my decision to let you go.
When the big guy gives the order...
No harm, no foul, Jack.
l needed to reassess my goals, get in touch with my true self.
-You did that in a day? -Imagine what I could do with 7.
Bruce, it is not in my power to give you anchor.
As far as field reporting goes, if you’re looking for a bump...
Let's just cut the crap and get down to brass tacks here.
I’m kidding with you.
You.
l had you going there, Jackie.
Don't even worry about it, my old friend.
You just give me a camera, Jack. I’ll give you the news.
My secret is that l let the jalapeños marinate
in a spicy sauce for at least 24 hours
before l stir it into the chili.
Then l let it all come to a simmer.
Hold that thought, Hazel.
It seems as if an asteroid or some kind of meteorite
has just hit ground
right outside the Mark Twain Chili Cook-Off.
This should certainly spice things up a bit.
His stories are all over town.
From unearthing Jimmy Hoffa.
To a meteor crashing to Earth.
Bruce Nolan is rapidly becoming known as...
And that's the way the cookie crumbles!
This was Bruce's idea?
He said he wanted me to have a day of beauty
and luxurious serenity.
l got to tell you, he is really impressing me lately.
You know where he's taking me to dinner tonight?
Where?
The Blue Palm?
Oh, my gosh. l just got chills.
l know.
And he told me to prepare
for the most memorable night of our entire lives.
Oh, my gosh.
Grace, he's gonna propose.
No, stop it!
No, he... Really?
Yeah, really.
You do the math.
He sends you to a beauty spa,
he's taking you to the most romantic restaurant
where you had your first date. Hello!
l never thought I’d say this, but Bruce is right.
This is your big night. Relax and enjoy it.
Oh, God.
Welcome to "Eyewitness News at 6:00"
with Susan Ortega,
Evan Baxter, Fred Donohue, sports,
Dallas Coleman, weather,
and now, Buffalo's number-one news team.
Welcome to "Eyewitness News at 6:00." I’m Susan Ortega.
And I’m Evan Baxter, and here's what's making news.
A potential scandal with the Buffalo P.D.
surfaced when the mayor
demanded that...
When the mayor demanded that the chief...
When the mayor demanded that the chief of...
As a response to allegations...
I’m sorry. l seem to have something stuck in my...
Somebody get him some water.
It looks like my new co-anchor may need water.
Sorry about that.
In other news,
the prime minister of Sweden visited Washington today,
and my tiny little nipples went to France.
What did he just say? Check the prompter.
The prompter's fine.
Evan, read the copy, please.
The copy's good. Just read it.
The White House reception committee
greeted the prime rib roast minister,
and l do the cha-cha like a sissy girl.
I like do...
da cha-cha.
I’m sorry.
We seem to be having some technical difficulties.
In other news...
My apologies.
If I ruled the world
Every day would be the first day of spring
Every heart would have a new song to sing
And we'd sing of the joy every morning would bring
If I ruled the world
Every man would be free as a bird
-May l? -Certainly.
Every voice would be a voice to be heard
It’s perfect.
She'll love it.
We would treasure each day that occurs
You know, l was gonna...
l was gonna wait until after the meal,
but it's gonna burst out of me like an alien
if l don't do it now.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God. Okay.
This is it, isn't it?
l don't know if I'm ready for this.
I’m ready. I just didn't know if I would...
l didn't think l would... I’m sorry. Go on.
l didn't know this was so important to you.
Me neither.
Every man would say the world...
Yes?
l got anchor.
Yes.
Apparently, it wasn't working out with Evan,
so he's gonna finish out the week,
and l go live on Monday.
That's great, honey.
-Great. -l know. l know.
Wow.
So, that's what this is all about.
Well, yeah.
Yeah.
Grace, we got anchor.
Jack's throwing me a party at the Vanderbilt estate
to celebrate.
-What's the matter? -Nothing.
Now l lay me down to sleep.
l pray the Lord my soul to keep.
l just feel stupid.
-It is kind of loud in here. -No, it's not loud.
Jeez! Can you keep it down to a dull roar?
-What are you... -Thank you!
Is that supposed to be funny?
'Cause that is not funny.
-What are you saying? -What is wrong? Stop yelling.
Grant me the winning numbers in this weekend's...
Can you excuse me? l think I’ll take a trip to the...
Our father, who art in...
The wine is going right through me!
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.
-Keep going, Tony! You're great! -Oh, God.
-Forgive me. -Please give me the strength.
What is going on here?
Ugh! What is this?
Give me a break!
Really something, isn't it?
Is this heaven?
No. This is Mt. Everest.
You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time.
But l guess you can't now,
being dead and all.
I’m dead?
Nah. I’m just messing with you.
That's not funny, man!
That is not funny!
Okay.
What about the voices in my head?
Is that part of the hilarity?
No. Those are prayers.
You keep ignoring them, they're gonna build up on you.
But it's just noise.
l can't understand them.
You're not listening, son.
Let's see.
You've had my powers for a little over a week now.
How many people have you helped?
You know, l took care of a few things.
l righted a few wrongs in my own life first, okay?
l was gonna help the others.
l think l could help the world.
The world?
That wasn't the world.
That was just Buffalo between 57th Street and Commonwealth.
l didn't want to start you off with more than you can handle.
Well, you took the job, Bruce, so l suggest you get to it.
Seeing him smile would make me so happy.
Prayers, prayers. Okay, prayers.
This creepy whisper thing has to end!
Organization and management. That's what l need.
l need a system, something concrete.
Concentrate.
Files.
Let all prayers be organized into files.
That takes care of the voices.
Not exactly a space-saver, though.
Grace might notice.
l know! Prayer post-its!
Okay, l need something with a lock.
Security, combination, password.
Password.
Yahweh!
You've got prayers.
Welcome to the revelation superhighway.
We bless, no mess.
Downloading now.
It’s good. It’s good.
This is gonna take a while.
1,527,503 prayer requests.
l better manifest some coffee.
Juan Valdez.
Now, that's fresh mountain-grown coffee
from the hills of Colombia.
That's good. Good!
Okay, l had to have made some kind of a dent by now.
Oh, come on!
What a bunch of whiners.
This is gonna suck up my whole life.
You know what?
Yes to all.
Yeah. There you go.
Now everybody's happy.
I’ll drink to that.
My tech stocks tripled in 5 days.
You know something, Joe? You seem taller.
l am!
My daughter pitched a no-hitter.
l lost 47 pounds on the Krispy Kreme diet.
Hey, there he is! The man of the hour.
Bless you, bless all of you.
Be fruitful and do long division or something!
Hey, try that. It’s an excellent year.
Hey, Bruce! Who do you like in the game tonight?
I like the Sabres. Coach prays a lot.
Okay!
And I hear it in the windy storm
And l feel it in the icy dawn
God gave me everything l want
Oh, come on
I’ll give it all to you
God gave me everything l want
Hey, this is Bruce, Grace, and Sam. Leave a message.
Grace, are you there?
Hello? It’s me.
Hello? Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello?
Come on, Grace. Come to the party.
I’ll call you later, okay?
Come on, Sam.
l can't stop, l can't stop
I’m still looking
Help me out here.
Oh, Sam, don't. Come on.
If I told you, it might not come true.
What is it you want, Mary?
You want the moon?
Just say the word and I’ll throw a lasso around it
and pull it down.
Hey, that's a pretty good idea.
I’ll give you the moon, Mary.
I’ll take it.
Then what?
Then you could swallow it,
and it'll all dissolve, see?
The moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers
and your toes and the ends of your hair.
Hey, this is Bruce, Grace, and Sam.
Hi, Bruce.
What are you doing in here all alone?
Oh, l was just gonna...
Oh, l mean...
l was gonna give Grace a call.
Yeah, l didn't see her in there.
How are you and Grace doing?
Well, actually, we had a bit of a fight.
Kind of not sure if she’s...
You're on fire, Bruce.
Yeah.
Some women can't handle fire.
Some can.
That's interesting
'cause l never thought we would ever talk...
You might want to stop touching me now.
Grace, come here!
This is so weird. l was just calling you.
What, and you thought Susan's mouth was the phone?
She kissed me. I’m the kissee.
You were putting up a really big fight.
I tried to fight her off, but she's really strong.
l screwed up. Can l make it up to you?
Yeah! Why don't you get me a boat, Bruce?
-What? -Yeah, a big boat.
And two big bags of cash.
Then I’ll be happy.
Lots of money and lots of stuff!
Other people want crap like getting married
or having babies with the man they've loved for5 years.
Not me, Bruce. Just give me the boat.
No wonder you stayed single!
Grace, don't do this.
I’m not doing this. I’m undoing it.
I’ll be at Debbie's.
Take care of Sam until l can make arrangements.
You can't leave me.
I’m the alpha, lady.
I’m the omega, baby!
Okay, fine. l don't need you.
What's the matter, Bruce?
She can't handle a little competition?
The game's been called on account of rain.
An unusually high number of lottery winners
has New York officials concerned.
So far, 1,100 winning tickets have been turned in,
all strangely from the Buffalo area.
More on this story as it develops.
Enjoying your party?
Nothing like spending quality time with friends, huh?
Grace left me.
Yeah, l know.
She'll take me back.
She'll take me back, right?
Would you take you back?
How do you make somebody love you without affecting free will?
Welcome to my world, son.
You come up with an answer to that one, you let me know.
Rise and shine.
It’s 70 and sunny and the perfect day to forgive Bruce.
l don't know much
But l know l love you
Bye.
Have fun.
Hi. Can l get a small coffee to go?
Sure, hon. Just a second.
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Oh, honey, no. Don't put that in your mouth.
Don't eat that. That's not food.
Go to the bathroom, please.
Wash out your mouth. Wash off your hands.
God I swear that kid is gonna poop an ornament.
One more time. You're gonna be in a lot of trouble.
All right, that's it. That's it.
Hi.
l surrender.
-Hi. -Hi.
I’m doing my first anchor tonight.
Oh, wow. That's great.
So how have you been doing?
-Good. -Yeah?
Yeah, good.
Just...
Debbie won the lottery.
Oh, yeah? You're kidding.
But l guess so did 400,000 other people,
so she only won $ 17 or something.
l miss you.
Okay.
l took a first step, jumped out on the ledge.
Feeling pretty vulnerable, too.
l don't know what to say.
Say you love me and want me back.
No, Bruce.
What about all the signs?
How did you know about that?
Did you talk to Debbie?
Would it help if l just said that l was a complete ass?
You said "ass."
It’s okay if I’m talking about a donkey.
l didn't say "hole."
-If I said ass-- -No, wait.
Okay, you know what? Let's go inside.
All right, everybody inside. Time to go inside.
Please.
None of this seems right without you.
Yeah, l got to go.
Wait!
How do you feel now?
Have you completely lost your mind?
What? Are you drunk?
Yeah, I’m drunk. Drunk with power.
Love me.
Love me!
l did.
Yeah, l know. Free will.
Oh, God.
More power outages reported today
caused by last week's meteorite strike.
Officials are desperately trying to repair several transformers
damaged by the ensuing electrical surge.
The scene nearly turned violent
when hundreds of disgruntled Buffalo residents
protested last week's lottery results.
And doomsayers are pointing to last week's celestial events
as signs that prophesy is now being fulfilled,
and the world as we know it may be coming to an end.
The world's gone mad.
-Bruce, 30 seconds to air. -Okay.
There you are. It’s your big debut.
How are you feeling?
You know what?
I’m fine, never better.
Show must go on, right?
The Sabres just won the Stanley Cup.
You're kidding me!
Was that tonight? That's great, isn't it?
It’s getting pretty crazy out there.
We're gonna kick live to Fred at the stadium.
5 seconds to the open.
This is it.
-You ready? -Born that way.
Welcome to "Eyewitness News at 6:00"
with Susan Ortega,
Bruce Nolan, Fred Donohue, sports,
Dallas Coleman, weather.
And now Buffalo's number-one news team.
-I’m Susan Ortega. -I’m Bruce Nolan.
And here's what's making news.
What the hell happened?
-We lost power. -Transformer's down again.
Oh, jeez. Ever since that damn meteorite hit...
We're back up.
We apologize for the interruption.
Now back to the news.
-Thank you, Susan. -I’m sorry.
We're going live to HSBC Arena,
where the Buffalo Sabres have won the Stanley Cup.
-Great. -Fred.
We're about to uncork champagne
because the Sabres have won their first championship
in 22 years!
What in the blue blazes?
We'll be back with the Sabres' victory
in just a hot second.
In other news...
Bloody hell!
-What is it now? -The booth is down.
It’s not!
In other news, fighting erupted in the Gaza Strip today,
as Israelis and Palestinians...
What?
We've got a situation.
They're rioting outside the station.
You're kidding.
The whole town has gone crazy.
Come on, Bruce. Say something.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this just in.
Possibly,
the biggest breaking news story this town has ever seen.
And l got to go.
I’m sorry, Jack.
Susan, it's all yours.
Sabres!
Sabres rule!
Down with the lottery!
Repent! The end is near! Repent!
Come back!
You come back here!
The lottery sucks!
l only won 17 bucks!
Channel 7 blows!
Oh, no!
God!
God?
Are you here?
Hello?
I need your help!
Clap on. Clap on!
Clap on! Clap on! Clap on!
Figures!
Well, hello, there, Bruce Almighty.
Not as easy as it looks, is it, son?
This God business?
They're all out of control.
It’s mayhem. l don't know what to do.
Well, you're right on time.
7 :00.
The 7th at 7 :00.
All righty, then.
There we are.
It’s good. It’s good.
It’s a wonderful thing.
No matter how filthy something gets,
you can always clean it right up.
There were so many.
l just gave them what they wanted.
Yeah.
But since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?
So what do l do?
Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce.
It’s a magic trick.
Yeah.
A single mom who's working 2 jobs
and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice.
That's a miracle.
A teenager who says no to drugs and yes to an education.
That's a miracle.
People want me to do everything for them,
and what they don't realize is, they have the power.
You want to see a miracle, son?
Be the miracle.
Wait. Are you leaving?
Yeah, l figure you can handle things now.
But what if l need you? What if l have questions?
That's your problem, Bruce.
That's everybody's problem.
You keep looking up.
Order has been restored
after this evening's downtown riot.
State officials have suspended all lottery sales,
pending further investigation.
No injuries were reported in the melee.
However there were dozens of arrests.
Okay.
Well, thanks a million.
Oh, not a problem.
God bless.
Bruce giveth and Bruce taketh away.
You don't like it?
"Megabite" me.
l suppose you're here to gloat about the anchor position.
Go ahead. Take your best shot.
Well, actually, l...
l just came to tell you that I’ve been a royal prick.
The anchor position is yours. l turned down the job.
And I never really congratulated you in the first place.
Congratulations.
Thanks, Bruce.
In the financial world, things are settling back to normal
in what analysts are calling a fluke market fluctuation.
You made the right move.
So, what about you?
Are you ready to go back out there?
And do the cutesy stuff, the lighter side of the news,
lower and debase myself for the amusement of total strangers?
Yeah, l could do that.
Sounds like fun.
Good.
Okay, let's do it right, like all the other dogs.
l don't want to make you feel bad,
but they're laughing at you, pal.
Come on, concentrate.
Here you go. Come on, pump it out if you have to.
What am l gonna do with you?
l know this seems kind of crazy,
but desperate times call for desperate measures.
Okay.
Okay, Sammy, do your thing.
That's it. That's it. Good boy!
Training my dog.
Yes! We did it! We did it!
Bow-wow-wow. Yippee yo, yippee yay!
We're doing it doggy style!
I’ll alert "Penthouse Forum."
Hi, Deb. How are you?
How's Grace?
l didn't come to chat, okay?
I came for Grace's stuff.
You need...
No, it's okay. I’ve got it.
I don't know if she...
l don't know if she wants that or not.
This is full.
You did all this?
You know what l do before l go to bed?
l tuck my kids in,
maybe have a scoop of ice cream and watch "Conan."
You know what Grace does?
She prays.
Most of the time for you.
Find Grace Connelly.
The woman does pray a lot.
Find Grace and Bruce.
"Dear God, please help Bruce find himself,
find contentment, find you."
"Dear God, please help Bruce. He seems to be struggling."
"Dear God, give Bruce strength."
"Dear God, bless Bruce."
It’s her.
Sammy, it's her. She's logging on.
She's praying right now.
Please, God.
Please.
l still love him.
But l don't want to love him anymore.
l don't want to hurt anymore.
Please help me forget.
Please help me let him go.
You win!
I’m done!
Please!
l don't want to do this anymore.
l don't want to be God.
l want you to decide what's right for me.
l surrender to your will!
Am l...
You can't kneel in the middle of a highway
and live to talk about it, son.
But why?
Why now?
you have the divine spark.
You have the gift for bringing joy and laughter to the world.
l know. l created you.
Quit bragging.
See? That's what I’m talking about.
That's the spark.
What do you want me to do?
l want you to pray, son.
Go ahead. Use them.
Lord, feed the hungry,
and bring peace to
all of mankind.
How's that?
Great, if you want to be Miss America.
Now, come on.
What do you really care about?
You want her back?
No.
I want her to be happy.
No matter what that means.
I want her to find someone
who will treat her
with all the love
she deserved from me.
I want her to meet someone...
...who will see her always
as l do now...
...through your eyes.
Now, that's a prayer.
Yeah?
Yeah.
It’s good.
I’m gonna get right on it.
Clear!
That didn't feel very good.
Clear!
Got a rhythm!
All right, l got a pulse.
-Let's load him up. -Get the backboard and brace.
Welcome back.
You're lucky to be alive, son.
Someone up there must like you.
I hear that stuff winds up in a warehouse somewhere.
Hi, baby.
Oh, my God. Look at you.
l was such an idiot.
It’s okay. It’s okay.
l don't know what l would've done.
Oh, God.
l I swearl wanted to be mad at you forever.
Now you're just showing off.
This is Bruce Nolan
at Buffalo's first annual "Be The Miracle" blood drive.
It’s a B-E-A-utiful day.
So come on down, because the life you save could be mine.
Let's go over here, where the Kowolskis
have baked a very special cookie for this occasion.
Sure, it's a little creepy and a shameless plug,
but we love them.
Thank you, Mama. Vol, finger, nose.
l will have given blood twice this week.
For those of you who haven't heard,
I’d like to introduce you to the future Mrs. Exclusive.
Grace Connelly.
There she is.
Look at her!
isn’t she beautiful?
She gave blood and still has enough left
to fill up her face.
Yes, behind every great man,
there's a woman rolling her eyes, folks.
I’m Bruce Nolan for "Eyewitness News"
with all the folks at the blood drive, reminding you to...
Be the miracle!
You heard them.
Okay, cut it. Thank you, Bruce.
Thanks, Ally.
Hey.
-How was that? -That was great.
-Yeah? -That was really great.
You have to go there. The nurse is waiting.
Do l have to?
It’s not gonna hurt.
l think you'll find it quite pleasurable.
Ooh, baby.
Who can take a rainbow,
wrap it in a sock?
Soak it in the sun and make a groovy lemon pie.
Oompa.
Loompa.
Doopa.
Oh, jeez.
I’m sorry.
I’m a very rare blood type. l am A.B. positive.
Sounds delicious.
Yeah, well, there are storehouses all over the world.
All over the...
With tons of stuff on ice, and it's...
-Sorry. -You were like this.
Okay.
Positive. I.B. positive. Okay, sorry.
I have a "rery"...
She has a "rery."
They need my blood.
l have a very rare blood type. I’m A.B. negative.
I'm I.B. positive.
Am l A.B. negative?
l don't know what you are anymore.
I’m gonna need a frigging miracle to get to work on time.
Oh, shit.
Did that one work?
Other stories in the...
The prime minister of Sweden visited Washington today,
and in other...
In other...
In other news...
I’m Bruce Nolan for “Eyewitness No--"
"Eyewitness Nose." Okay.
And clear.
Be the miracle!
That's right.